Bored at Night

Had that really been just her bad side? Irene didn't think so. She'd learned to think of herself as only one thing, though her switch allowed her to block out little parts of herself. In the end, she was like a puzzle. One whole thing which had several smaller parts, but they were all her. If one part screwed up, she screwed up. There were no excuses. The darkest parts of her were still her, they were still even the human her. Every human had their bad parts, and when they were turned those parts, as well as the good parts, were heightened. If she hadn't had that within her when she was human, she'd never have become what she was as a vampire.

"No, no, no!" She mentally exclaimed, tears running faster and faster down her cheeks. "It was the human me... And the vampire me." She was trying to calm herself down, but she couldn't. It was too much, she couldn't even make heads or tails of her feelings. "So much blood... I didn't need to kill, James, I didn't! But yet... I never cared, and it was so horrible, so, so horrible. I should have cared... I shouldn't have done anything I could... Bunnies, animal blood, like Stefan. Not all that killing, all that... Horror..."

Nothing entered James' mind except the thought to keep Irene alive - for her own sake, not necessarily for his. The bag was soon emptied but between switching them, Irene was sending more mental messages. He was not surprised as much of it now, as he had been when she had first done it. He shook his head back and forth at the thought. "No Irene!" He told her back, more of an apologetic tone. "It wasn't you. You can keep blaming your human part for it, but it wasn't - no. It was your vampire part, the hunter, the no-conscious killer that did it. You couldn't control it - I know how it feels, those dark parts"

He grabbed another bag and ripped open the top as he pressed it to her lips. "Now drink"

Though her sobs had calmed down, Irene just didn't want to drink. She didn't think she deserved to live, not after all the terrible things she'd done. The aching in her veins made it hard for her to resist, but she held back the urge of letting the liquid go down her throat. What right did she have to live after all the killings, after all the lives she'd ruined just by the fun of it? She would bet all her money on the fact that the families of all the people she'd killed would be more than happy to know that the murderer of their parents, kids, aunts etc. was dead.

"No. I don't deserve it, James. Don't try to save me, for the sake of all the people I killed and their families. Just give up on me, I don't deserve saving, I don't deserve to have someone worrying over me. I could have controlled myself, I've done it before. But I chose not to, I had fun doing all that! And I am a vampire, so it was me who did it. I don't deserve all the extra years I got, I should have just died when I was attacked."

It pained James a little - to see Irene like that, on the floor sobbing because she wants to die and be left alone. But he wasn't built like that, to let people die, he needed to save her - because she saved him. He'd never truly be done unless he repaid her, yes, repaid.

The blood bag was almost all drained - again, when words were spoken. "Just shutup Irene. You need your strength, and this is not a negotiation! I am saving you, and that is that. You are too weak to fight, so all you can really do is just lay there and let me help you"

"Why are you doing this? Do you really think that there's something in me that deserves to be saved?" Irene asked, glancing up at James, her sight blurred by tears. Something inside of her, whatever was left of her Ripper-like self, was telling her that that wasn't her, that she didn't just break down and cry like that, but that little voice in her mind was faint, and she almost couldn't hear. And even if she could, Irene didn't have the strength to try and fight her emotions. Doing just that had drained her completely.

"James, please, you don't understand! How could you? You don't know... You can't even begin to understand the horror of killing someone and not feeling anything about it, of doing all I did in cold blood. I... I shouldn't keep on living. That was my mistake all the other times, James. I saved myself, or someone else saved me, thinking that I could become a better person, but I always snapped back. It's in my nature, and that's why I shouldn't live. I'll always kill again, always. There's... There's just nothing you or I can do." She blinked away a tear, and tried to show James how sure she was of what she was saying. She might be weak, but she was thinking more clearly than she had in years. That was what she should do, let herself die. She deserved no better, and the people she'd killed and the people she would eventually kill deserved to live.

He nodded to her, tears appeared to be welling up in his eye sockets as Irene had spoken. "There is always something, in everyone, that deserves to be saved; Irene. Even if that person doesn't believe it them self, there is always a piece that is worth it!" He exclaimed to her, switching yet another blood bag as he noticed her tears falling; but he didn't think anything of it. He pressed the next blood bag up to her lips, hoping soon she would be healed and prepared to do what she had to, because the bags were getting low that he had snatched from her house.

One of his hands was brought up to his face and wiped the tears away with his sleeve before setting it back onto the ground to keep his balance. "I don't need to understand. Everybody is good, underneath their bad. No matter how much they try to forget that that part of them is gone; it isn't, it keeps trying to get out. But when we let it, most don't like what they see and try to hide it again. But it will always be there!"

Irene's strength was returning slowly, but she didn't really want it to. Why would she deserve to be saved? What was so special about her that she deserved to live while all the people she'd kill didn't? The only answer that came to her mind was 'nothing'. She was already living on borrowed time, she'd already lived much more than she should have, maybe it was time for her to let go.

"The problem is that some people's bad overwhelms their good. I'm one of those people. I didn't use to be, but now I am, and I don't want to hurt anyone, James. I did that one too many times, and no one deserved it. I know that while I may be able to control myself for some time, I won't be able to do it forever. Eventually, I am going to kill. I know my good part won't disappear, but the urge to burry it deep down is really powerful. You have no idea how strong the bad part can be. It's what drives vampires into becoming Rippers. If they aren't stopped right away, they can kill an entire city. I can kill an entire city."