Bored at Night

Somehow hearing James say that her humanity was showing made it all more real. She still had a human side. Irene couldn't quite remember what it felt like to be human, and she really didn't much want to remember. She knew she'd miss it if she did so. The few memories she allowed herself to have from the time when she was human were all of the night she was turned. The fear, the apprehension, the feeling of powerlessness, and finally, the pain as she felt the fangs sinking into her neck. She never let herself access the happy ones.

"Don't you get it? I don't have a human side! Everything human about me is lost, James, it was all lost centuries ago, before I even left Italy!" Irene could feel something that she could only identify as desperation rising within her, and she did everything she could to keep it out of her voice.

Listening to what Irene was saying, it just did not seem able for her to forget about her human side completely, there had to be some shard of her humanity still laying within her. Somewhere. He did know, however, that he was beginning to get closer to touching it, unlocking it from inside.

He looked back up to her from his wrist, "But you continue to hold onto your past, and you do remember what happened in Italy. So you must remember what it was like to be human."

"All I remember from my human life is being attacked." Irene said, her eyes darkening just slightly as the memory replayed itself on her mind. She had spent so many years with that scene playing itself over and over on her mind, dreaming about it, trying to figure out why she had been turned, not killed, who had attacked her, but it still had an effect on her that few things had. It made her more serious and toned down her usual sarcastic and wicked edge. "And trust me, it's not a pleasant memory."

As James had said that last sentence, he did not think about how much pain she would inflict upon him for bringing back the memories she wished that she had probably forgotten. Although, as she soon went on with her words, his fears seemed to disappear, no punches, no feeding, not even any tearing of flesh.

"You must remember more about your time there, before you were turned." He told her, voice appeared to escalate as he attempted to tough her humanity. "Places you used to go, friends you had played with"

Irene pushed her memory back to the times when she was human, but found that every time a memory was about to surface her thoughts drifted away from it. She could only get hazy images, unfocused sounds, nothing that she could properly understand. Her whole human life had been locked away from her.

"No, nothing. I just... can't remember anything properly." Irene explained, sighing.

James looked down at her, hand becoming clenched, as his eyes followed her lips as she had soon spoken. His wrist continued to hurt, although he would not show his pain in screams or yells, it might just show how weak, how pathetic he really was. His mouth seemed dry, too, being open to breathe: he was not able to breathe through his nose, it had somehow been cutoff (the holes) by blood, or some other substance of which he was not aware.

Slowly following her emotions, her eyes, as they seemed to remain still, he watched her actions closely. "That is what I am talking about" He said, looking down at her arms, which continued to act as a vice grip. "You want to remember, that, that is what makes you human."

Did she want to remember? Her curiosity always made her eager to find new things, even memories, even if she knew they wouldn't be very useful. But her memories of her human life were something different. Though she didn't really remember them, she remembered a time when she did, and she knew how much she missed being human. That was part of the reason why she took so long to leave Italy, she wanted to be close to home.

It was hard to miss something she didn't remember, and so she never made an effort to remember. She'd rather see humans as weak beings that existed so that she could feed of them and hunt them. But she knew the memories were still within her, and she could have them back if she really wanted to.

"Do I? Do I want to remember?" She whispered loud enough for James to hear if he wanted to, but mostly to herself.

He sighed slowly at her, standing there for at least a minute before getting up the courage to reply. She had appeared to be talking to herself, her mind seemed to be working, arguing with herself over what is easy, and what is right.

It did not appear like Irene was going to let James go, at all, and instead allow him to die with his broken wrist. His vision: becoming blurry all of a sudden from blood loss as he looked upon her. Slowly, he began to fall forward onto her, seemingly passing out from his broken wrist.

As James' body started to fall forward, Irene, almost in an act of instinct, loosened her grip on his wrists a little. She didn't do it consciously, and she barely even noticed it. Wondering why he had fallen, she began to scan her surroundings. Could he have lost his balance? She didn't think so, as she was pinning him quite strongly to the wall. Glancing quickly at the pool of blood which had gathered at the floor, Irene was pretty sure she knew what had happened. He had passed out from blood loss.

"James? Can you hear me?" Irene asked, her voice softening a little and allowing a bit of worry to show through.

There was but a moment of darkness for James after he had passed out from blood loss, just a moment that seemed to last a lifetime. He had time to think, to actually think, about things. But the most popular topic was of Irene and how she was 'handling' their conversation.

But he had soon heard her voice, asking him something. He could sense her humanity showing through it, in the tone of her voice. His eyes appeared to open once more, as his head continued to hang there almost in midair, his elbows that were still pinned against the wall stopped his body from completely falling forward. His head was just barely sitting on Irene's chest by her arm as he regained consciousness. "yea, I can hear you." He replied back, pausing slightly. "Blood..." His voice, trailing off a little as he appeared to be forcing himself to stay awake.

That was definitely a day for new situations. Irene was rather sure she had never been faced with that kind of situation before. In a way, she wanted to help James, but she had never helped a human before, not after she flipped the switch. In the brief periods throughout the centuries when she had her switch flipped on, yes, but never with her switch flipped off. So if she helped him, it would mean that she was letting her human side come out, and she couldn't do that.

Stalling for time to think seemed like the best idea. "You need blood?" She asked, frowning just slightly.

James continued to just rest there, in mid-air, waiting for Irene to finally take the hint. He had never felt so weak in his life, standing there, limp, unable to really move any muscles at all as he waited for Irene to open her wrist up to him.

He had soon nodded to her question. She didn't seem like the brightest vampire, unless she had been afraid of letting him in.

Irene had to do it, she knew it. Once James passed out, she wouldn't have much time to save him. Dying from blood loss wasn't the most terrible death, but she wasn't going to just sit by and let him die. If he was going to die, it would be by her hand, or rather, fangs.

Closing her eyes, she made her decision. Maybe it wasn't the wisest idea for her to open that door, the door to her humanity, but she just had to do it. Hopefully, she would only get a peek at it. The process of seeing it whole was never pleasant, especially with all what she had buried deep into the darkest corners of her mind.

Still holding tightly to James' elbows, Irene eased herself down, sliding down her hands while grabbing James' arms, hoping that he wouldn't fall down, just slowing descend with her. There was no way she would be able to keep him on his feet and feed him her blood at the same time, she needed him to lay down.

James seemed to be barely conscious, only really being able to lift his head a little. But by the direction and where Irene was putting her hands, he knew that she was going to lay him down on the floor of the Grill. He helped as much as he could in the current state he had been in: his legs seemed to buckle under his own weight, allowing his chest to be laid down gently upon the tile.

His eyes could barely open, only a white slit appeared through his eyelids as he tried to look at Irene. "Blood... I need blood"

As Irene laid James down on the floor, her mind was split in three different kinds of thoughts. A part of her was telling her that it was her fault that he was almost passing out from blood loss, that she should have paid more attention to him instead of getting lost in her thoughts, only thinking about herself. That thought, her human side, was getting louder by the second. The second part was being objective, telling her that she should bite into her wrist and just give him her blood already. It wasn't like he had all the time in the world. And the last part, the one which was being muffled by the other two, was shouting that she should just drain him of whatever blood he had left and leave. He wasn't her problem, after all.

Though Irene didn't really want to, she was beginning to listen to the first two thoughts. Was the switch flipping? Panic started to rise within her, but she knew she didn't have time to things like panic. James was going to die if she began to let herself break down, either out of fear or because the switch had actually flipped, which it hadn't. Yet.

Bitting into her wrist, Irene sighed. Ready or not, soon the agony that followed the switch flipping on would come. "Here, have it." The vampire offered her blood to James, pouring it gently into his mouth.

He lay there on the floor of the Grill for must have been several minutes before Irene had finally offered her wrist to him, offered to save his life. Maybe she was kind, and gentle. All of those speeches she made before about being a ripper seemed to not be possible as he lay there, thinking, forcing himself to stay awake or else he could die.

As Irene's wrist hovered above him and the silky scarlet liquid dropped into his mouth, he slowly reached up and grabbed her wrist before pulling it closer to him so he could get more blood in order to heal his wound. It wasn't that he was nervous, but the amount Irene was dropping into his mouth would not be enough, he needed more in order for the bone to heal and his skin to heal as well.

James proceeded to drink directly from her wrist for several more seconds before he let it go, although it took a couple minutes for the healing to start: as could be seen from his bone sinking back into his skin and it snapping back into place, and the skin then healing over top of it. He sighed once, "Thanks" he said, somewhat of a whisper.

Irene heard James thank her, but she just couldn't reply. She was kneeling on the floor, her eyes closed, just waiting for the her ability to resist the switch itself to reach its end. She knew that, eventually, it would become impossible to force herself to keep on blocking her humanity out. That had happened before, and she had always known it would happen again.

It used to be easy to keep herself in control, to keep the switch from being flipped or from flipping itself, but it wasn't like that anymore. Those times were long gone. She missed them, she missed how easy it was to just be vampire and enjoy all its privileges, the ability to block out her humanity, the compulsion, she missed the feeling to being in power, of being able to control herself with no effort, but she had adapted, she had gotten used to living with the idea that her resistance would fall sooner or later, and she would have to face her humanity once again.

She could feel it getting closer, and there was nothing she could do about it. Soon, she would be nothing like the vampire who fed off humans and prided herself in being a ripper. No, she would be like her human self, an innocent, slightly mischievous girl who never did anything terribly wrong on purpose.

"It's going to happen." She said, looking at James in the eyes, her voice showing, for the first time, how scared she really was. "It's going to happen and there is nothing I can do about it."

James seemed really shocked as Irene had spoken: had he finally touched on her humanity, the one thing she was arguing with him about that entire night, and it appeared to be coming true. She seemed so.. afraid, scared of what would happen if the switch was flicked to let it all back in, the guilt, the pain, the memories. Although, he was curious as to what she would be like, had she flicked the switch instead of becoming a ripper, how she would act, her personality.

His glance steered it's way up to Irene's face as she continued kneeling there, looking rather upset at what had just happened. "you saved my life tonight. I see nothing wrong with allowing the switch to flip if you can do actual good in this town"

As Irene heard James' words, she was sure he didn't understand it. How could he? He wasn't a vampire, he knew nothing of how their emotions were. When buried for too long, they weren't just naturally heightened. No, their strength was far beyond anything she had thought possible until she felt it for the first time.

"You don't understand!" She exclaimed, continuing to stare him in the eyes, her own eyes almost pleading. Irene didn't want to go through all that again, through the almost unbearable pain of being attacked by her own emotions, of having no way nor will to fight them or run from them. But she knew it was inevitable, and the best she could do was to sit by and wait for it.

Irene's shout appeared to catch James off guard, as he almost had lost his balance: having to use his good arm to support himself. What was it that he did not understand? Surely when someone becomes a vampire their emotions get heightened, but that means that the powerful emotions are that much better: Love, Passion... Hatred.

"Maybe I don't understand, but if you do let them back in - all of them, then you can love, actually love and not just manipulate others. I've seen it, mind you, not first hand, but I have heard stories about it"

He paused, putting his hand onto her lower thigh by her kneecap, which was still on the floor of the Grill.

James had a point, and one Irene couldn't completely ignore, but she knew what came with all the good emotions. Guilt, remorse, sadness... It seemed like there were so many more bad emotions than there were good emotions. And the ones she would feel, those were the bad ones. It had been over fifty years since the last time the switch had been flipped, and between those fifty years she had killed, she had manipulated people and she had wrecked chaos. She was bound to feel bad about that once she could actually feel.

Her body was beginning to shake, and Irene knew that it was close. She wasn't even sure if she would be able to finish speaking before it happened. "I've been through this before, James, and it's not pretty. At all. And the good things are not worth the bad ones, not when you're a vampire and your most basic instinct is to kill."

James looked at her, right in the eyes, locking his to hers as her body began trembling. He did not know what was so terrible about feeling human emotions, it gets people through anything: dating, marriage, senior time at the civic center - life is what emotions gets people through, even the tough times: like a light shining through a tunnel, to show that there is hope in the darkest of times.

"But, Irene. If you do not settle on the bad emotions: hate, anger, drive to kill, then those good emotions will overpower the rest, and make life a whole lot easier, simpler even as a vampire; especially as a vampire."

And there it was. The pain, the sadness, all the emotions she had kept locked in, all released and attacking her like a great wave washing over, submerging her in the very same feelings she was running away from.

At first, she felt like she could have passed out on the Grill's floor. The strength was so big she just couldn't feel anything, not that she was complaining. The only problem was that, though she didn't feel the actual emotions, she could feel the effects of them hitting her so fast and so suddenly. She felt tired, no, exhausted, so exhausted that even the cold floor seemed like a very comfortable place for her to rest.

So, her body trembling madly, she slowly laid herself down on the floor, making a mental promise that she was only going to close her eyes for a few seconds.

"It doesn't work like that. It's all too much." Irene whispered, her eyes comfortably closed.

James looked at her slowly as she descended onto the floor, her eyes closing almost in sync with her fall. There did not appear to be many thoughts traversing through his brain waves, and all of them seemed to have anything to do with Irene as her body began to tremble. What had he done, at first, he thought he was 'saving' her, by helping her to feel; but as she lay there, seizur-like, scared of what had just transpired, he was not so sure.

Placing a hand on her back as her head lay, he had no idea what to say to make it any better. He had never consoled a vampire before, and definately has never gone out for counseling.

"There there" He told her, in a rather soft tone. Unsure of whether or not she wanted to hear it, it did not seem to matter. "if you want, I can help you try to work through them. After all, I am the one who nudged the switch a little"

As Irene heard James' words, she forced her eyelids to crack open just slightly. Just that little movement cost her almost all the energy she had left, but she still needed to use a little bit more of it. Channeling all the strength she could find in herself, she nodded. "I'd like that." Irene whispered, closing her eyes once again.

She could feel the darkness that preceded sleep just ahead of her, but Irene knew that she wouldn't reach it. She knew that because she was feeling something on her face, something wet, something that didn't belong there. Could it be a tear? If it was a tear, then the feelings shouldn't be far behind. She was drawn ever further away from sleep as she felt her body begin to tremble even harder, as if it wanted to shake itself apart.

All that had happened before, but Irene couldn't seem to remember any of it. She couldn't seem to remember much of anything, but one thing, one little memory, was still there. She knew that soon she would remember more than she cared to. She wished she knew what laid ahead of her, but she was still very sleepy, too sleepy to be able to think hard enough to remember.